An Open Letter to John Buchanan (Kolkata Knight Riders)

Dear Mr. Bokkanun,

In the name of Kaali Maa and weeth utmost respect, I am here to politely protest against your policies. They haib caused us Bhodrapurush a lot of heartache back in India as well as all obher the waarld.

I condemm the bias that all you Australiens seem to haib against our ShoravDa. Faast, it was Greg Chappell and now it ees you. From what I hear on televijeon, you haib not stopped at Dada bashing and are illtreating our other fellow Bangaalis in the team by calling them names in racial tone. Ees it to satiate your racial thaast that you phloated the idea of haibing more phoren players in the side? It ees Indian Preemeer Leegue not Australien eef you don't know.

Talking of kaumpojour, we have given you a very long rope to walk on and all that you haib done ees to paarfom a bungee jump with it straight to the bottom of the standings tabool at IPL. 10 sapport staph for 20 players! Are we talking of an Indian Olympic Kontingency here? It ees wee who pay phor your laaxureez. Wee buy the Colas that your team owner sells, wee buy the "Khan 12" T-shorts even though our prephernce is for Shorav jerseys and we spend hours watching the team go down in despair despite knowing the result bephorehand.

Wee did not say a word when you guys dropped Kolkata from the team name. Wee did not protest when Dada was remoobhed from captaincy and you wanted multeepull captains phor a 11 man team. But now the water has crossed over the daanger mark. Its been a long time seence wee sat on a dhaarna and wee are itching to seet on oane. You are saved of the protest just because it ees too hot in Kolkata these days. Wee haib ordered for your effigies to be built so that wee can baarn them. Call it your good laak that since your Knight Riders cricket operations team ees so huge, it ees taking time for the arteest peepoll to deliver on time.

I wood haib reetaen more but it ees 12 o'clock noon and I need to brake phor laanch. I haib brought maachhar-jhol and I don't want to waste my time talking to you when I can go and sabhor my faibhrate dish. Treat this letter as a warning and rephrain from gibhing us more reejons to boycott you and outst you. Do not ignite our passions aatherwise the Baangla kilour insteenct wheel wake up and ensure that you raan phor cobher once the tournament gets obher.

Yours phaithphully,

Chaurandas