Deewar: Spoof

Friday, June 12, 2009

Rated 'G' (arbage): ONLY for people who won't sue me for wasting their time!
Malmal and Ram Mohan were brothers. While Ram Mohan kept true to his name and was a well behaved kid, Malmal was good for nothing good. He loitered around the village akhada the entire day stealing and drinking milk leftovers from the wrestlers. When caught he used to proudly exclaim – “Main doodh sirf chori karke peeta hun”. Ram Mohan, the hardworking child, on the other hand walked 5 miles everyday to study. Their mother, Munia, worked at an ordnance factory which was on the brink of closure following allegations on its owner Kwatraji of bribing the district officials to let his factory run on Government land.

Ram Mohan was a dutiful son who studied hard and learnt that the way to succeed was through perseverance. Many a times his friends at school teased him for being too mild but he never raised his voice. His mother doted on him. Malmal on the other hand turned out to be a spoilt brat. He picked fights with strangers, cheated in the exams (even though he did not go beyond matriculation) and had gained the reputation of being a giant killer. He was notorious for mixing Jamaal Gota in the milk of the wrestlers he was supposed to fight against and won by default. Since he had the village money lender’s son Bhramar Singh as his aide, no one dared touch him or speak against him.

Munia was wary of Ram Mohan being affected by the company that Malmal kept. Despite scoldings and beatings, Malmal did not change in his youth. Bhramar Singh helped him gain access to the local goon at the village akhada. In the first meeting when the goon offered him fresh milk, Malmal said – “Main aaj bhi doodh chori karke hi peeta hun”. The goon could see what Malmal was destined to become. In the new world that Malmal was exposed to, there was money, there was power and all that he needed to do was to flex his muscle he built at his akhada. At the same time, Ram Mohan tried to become a police officer but without any powerful backing could not compete successfully despite being meritorious. The local school headmaster Mukherjee then advised Munia to send Ram Mohan to the far flung Assam where getting into the police force was easier due to less competition and corruption. Munia packed Ram Mohan along with her life long savings and sent him off to Assam. Ram Mohan spent a few years there and returned as a Police officer.

It was the irony of fate that his first assignment was to bust a gang of fugitives in his native village that was led by his own brother Malmal! Malmal was at loggerheads with the district magistrate Kalawati and did not want to surrender. At his akhada he was taught that men were supreme and he could at no cost lay down his arms in front of a woman.
Ram Mohan was caught in a war of conscience. On one hand he had his professional duty as a police officer at stake and on the other was the love for his brother. Unable to bear the burden of it, he decided to confront Malmal head-on to ask him to turn an approver and give a signed letter of surrender to Kalwati thereby conceding defeat.

Ram Mohan: Bhai tum sign karoge ya nahi?
Malmal: Haan main sign karunga par jao pehle us AURAT ka sign leke aao jisne Bhramar Singh aur mera phone tap karaya tha

Ram Mohan: Praaji tussi sign karoge ya nahi?
Malmal: Jao pehle us AURAT ka sign leke aao jisne mujhe dhakke maar ke is gaon se baahar nikaal diya tha. Uske baad..uske baad mere bhai tum jis kaagaz pe kahoge main uspe sign kar dunga. Hum dono ne ek hi jagah se apni zindagi ki shuruwat ki thi -- aaj main kahan hoon aur tum kahan ho. Aaj mere paas akhada hai, Bhramar Singh ki dosti hai, cycle hai, laal topi hai, dhoti hai kurta hai..kya hai tumhare paas? Kya hai?

Ram Mohan: Mere paas...Maa hai!

Malmal knew that the Maa factor titled the balance heavily in the pauper Ram Mohan’s favor. Munia was behind Ram Mohan at every step and Malmal felt sidelined. At the same time the district magistrate was making life like living hell for him. She owned a personal elephant that was sheltered in her own backyard. She coerced the general public by forcing them to bring bananas for the elephant which she cleverly sold in the city market to earn money for herself while the elephant stayed hungry. Malmal decided to teach a final lesson to Kalawati and in the darkness of the night took the elephant away to the nearby jungle. A red alert was sounded and Ram Mohan was entrusted with the task of solving the case.

Ram Mohan was a clever man. He figured out Malmal’s hiding place by following the footmarks of the elephant easily. Malmal was surrounded and an encounter ensued. The dutiful Ram Mohan shot the last bullet at Malmal who still managed to escape with injuries.

As Malmal dragged himself through the woods, the scenes of childhood started flashing before his eyes. He remembered the stolen milk from akhadas, his mother Munia’s reprimands, his brother Ram Mohan’s mild calls for surrender, Kalawati’s spitfire tongue and her hatred against him and the realization dawned upon him that his bad ways had actually led to his downfall. His trusted aide Bhramar Singh bribed his way to stay unharmed while Malmal was lying close to his death bed. Malmal was sorry as his bad ways had turned his mother against him. He wanted to make amends but no one was listening. Malmal then decided to visit the village Goddess temple that he had vowed never to go to.

At the temple

Malmal (looking straight into the eyes of the Goddess): Aaj Khush to bahut hogi tum. Kyunki jo Malmal kabhi tumhare mandir ki seedhiyaan nahi chadha wo aaj tumhare saamne aise haath failaaye khada hai. Ye tumhari jeet nahi haar hai haar..mere upar itne case laaye gaye..Bhramar Singh aur mera phone tap karaya..mujhse zabardasti surrender ka form sign karwane ki kosish ki gayi..par maine kabhi kuch nahi maanga.

Meanwhile Munia was informed about the encounter and knew where to find her son Malmal. She rushed to the temple without informing Ram Mohan whose mission 100 days in office proved to be a bit too much for his own family. Munia saw her son Malmal lying in a pool of blood. Seeing her son die, Munia couldn’t control her emotions and in a weak moment accepted that it was not Kalawati but she who had got Bhramar Singh and his phone lines tapped as she suspected him to have a lot more dostana than was expected from two young men. She felt sorry for her son’s plight and begged for pardon. Malmal was shocked beyond imagination at this treachery and died of a cardiac arrest immediately. Munia labored her way back to the village.

Ram Mohan and Munia were later felicitated by the people in the village for putting duty over sentiments. Ram Mohan was overwhelmed by emotions and asked Munia to speak on his behalf. She accepted the honor but not before talking about her sacrifices early in life and now when she had to choose between two sons. Amidst the loud cheer from the villagers she spoke - “It was tough but only a woman has it in her to become Mother India. I did it!"


Anonymous said...

hmmm... you know well what you write... i indeed felt it as a waste of time.
May b i expected more influenced by ur prev posts.

Sensible Garbage said...

@anon: Yeah, I could sense the waste after completing it because it is difficult to understand the 'real' characters behind the story. The WARNING was added at the beginning as an afterthought.

It was an urge to be different from my usual self by writing a political satire in the form of a Bollywood film. The crusade, it seems, has ended up looking more like a parody. You might be in the majority that didn't like it!

Anonymous said...

Excellent!!... Mind blowing!!

How about another attempt. This time with a different ending where Munia takes sides with Malmal. When the "sign karoge ya nahin" conversation goes on Malmal has his maa with him as well. This time he goes like "maine dewaar dekhi hai aur iss baar mere paas maa bhi hai...ab bol" and Ram Mohan is short of words..

I will leave the rest of masala packing to you.

arpita said...

technical flaw: mile is not in metric system.

Sensible Garbage said...

@anon2: Thanks for appreciating. I'll definitely try to conjure up a better story..Save some good epithets for tht too :-P.

@arpita: Arre lock up the engineer's brain in the office desk and then read the non-technical garbage :-D..On second thoughts, Malmal and Ram Mohan must have been school going kids during the British rule. Therefore, use of 'miles' is justified :-P
"Long Live the Queen!"

Anonymous said...

Malmal = Mulayam Singh
Ramlal = ?
Kalawati = Mayawati

Munia = Janta dal?

Sensible Garbage said...

Ram mohan = man mohan
Malmal = mulayam
Munia = sonia
Kalawati = mayawati
BhrAMAR singh = Amar Singh
Pet elephant = BSP
Reference to AURAT in context of the Women's reservation bill and Mulayam's reluctance to sign it.

Mulayam was a wrestler in real life. His phone was tapped at the behest of a 'lady' politician and he was ousted from power by another 'lady'!

..Too far fetched :-P

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