An Open Letter to John Buchanan (Kolkata Knight Riders)

Dear Mr. Bokkanun,

In the name of Kaali Maa and weeth utmost respect, I am here to politely protest against your policies. They haib caused us Bhodrapurush a lot of heartache back in India as well as all obher the waarld.

I condemm the bias that all you Australiens seem to haib against our ShoravDa. Faast, it was Greg Chappell and now it ees you. From what I hear on televijeon, you haib not stopped at Dada bashing and are illtreating our other fellow Bangaalis in the team by calling them names in racial tone. Ees it to satiate your racial thaast that you phloated the idea of haibing more phoren players in the side? It ees Indian Preemeer Leegue not Australien eef you don't know.

Talking of kaumpojour, we have given you a very long rope to walk on and all that you haib done ees to paarfom a bungee jump with it straight to the bottom of the standings tabool at IPL. 10 sapport staph for 20 players! Are we talking of an Indian Olympic Kontingency here? It ees wee who pay phor your laaxureez. Wee buy the Colas that your team owner sells, wee buy the "Khan 12" T-shorts even though our prephernce is for Shorav jerseys and we spend hours watching the team go down in despair despite knowing the result bephorehand.

Wee did not say a word when you guys dropped Kolkata from the team name. Wee did not protest when Dada was remoobhed from captaincy and you wanted multeepull captains phor a 11 man team. But now the water has crossed over the daanger mark. Its been a long time seence wee sat on a dhaarna and wee are itching to seet on oane. You are saved of the protest just because it ees too hot in Kolkata these days. Wee haib ordered for your effigies to be built so that wee can baarn them. Call it your good laak that since your Knight Riders cricket operations team ees so huge, it ees taking time for the arteest peepoll to deliver on time.

I wood haib reetaen more but it ees 12 o'clock noon and I need to brake phor laanch. I haib brought maachhar-jhol and I don't want to waste my time talking to you when I can go and sabhor my faibhrate dish. Treat this letter as a warning and rephrain from gibhing us more reejons to boycott you and outst you. Do not ignite our passions aatherwise the Baangla kilour insteenct wheel wake up and ensure that you raan phor cobher once the tournament gets obher.

Yours phaithphully,

Chaurandas

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Hindi Films | A Historical Account | Phata Poster Nikla Hero

Blessed with the power to survive a mighty Tsunami, heroes in Indian movies are a privileged lot. It takes a lot of conviction to reverse the order of nature and let one bleed profusely through a nerve wrecking climax of a movie and emerge victorious after beating the shit out of a 100 villainous contrivers. But our heroes do it. And they do it with so much of passion that you at times want to believe that it is possible for a man to survive 5 close range gun shots and then come out raging against the enemies and raze them to dust. The bottomline set for the Indian movie hero is - You hit him, you beat him but you can’t defeat him.

Although all heroes fall under the phylum of an all-conquering breed, there is a major difference between the heroes in Hindi films and their regional counterparts. Hindi film heroes change faces rather quickly to keep pace with the changing times unlike in regional movies where they believe in the power of preservation. Regional movies follow the adage of – “ Once a hero always a hero.” South Indian movie industry, for example, is capable of producing a movie and then its remake 30 years down the line with the same hero in the lead.

Anyways, despite calling myself a movie freak, I find myself severely handicapped while discussing regional cinema. So, rather than being all that judgemental and condescending, I will stay put on the safer bastion of Hindi films and the evolution of heroes there. I will choose actors as my reference point to discuss the era. I could be insanely prejudiced in my views so I expect you people to shed some light through your comments as well:

Ashok Kumar era : The heroes were real people then. They even sang their own songs and didn’t fight a lot. They were epitomes of gentlemen-like behavior and stuck to playing the good guy in what could be called escapist cinema. The World was engulfed in the Great Depression and that reflected in the movies. It is strange but true that in the 1930’s when there was hardly any hullabaloo over ‘female empowerment’, most of the movies were female oriented. Sample these top grossers of the era – Ghar ki Lakshmi, Bombay Ki Mohini, Daku Ki Ladki, Miss 1933, Hunterwali, Kisan Kanya , Bhabhi and the list goes on. Ashok Kumar was the first genuine hero of Hindi movies and with his arrival the scene changed. The movies started to focus more on the hero as the central character and then there was no looking back.

Dilip Kumar era : Dilip Kumar led the trio of Dev Anand, Raj Kapoor and himself to emerge as the first super star of Hindi film industry. As the brooding tragedy king, he struck chords with the audience and in the melancholy of the characters he portrayed; he smiled his way to super stardom. The heroes in the 50s-60s remained the gentlemen that they were when it all started and alongside grew another strong class of charatcer called the villain. Villains did exist even earlier on but now they started to get ample screen space. Even though the romantic heroes held sway during this period, movies based on social issues and movies that promoted nationalistic sentiments gained impetus.

Rajesh Khanna era: A very short lived one but important none the less. It marked the arrival of the tantrum throwing superstar whose birthright was to act snooty. Thousands of girls wrote love letters in blood and his popularity achieved enormous proportions before he messed it all up. It was also a time when growing resentment in the youth of the country called for a change in the hero of our movies. The love-dovey roles took a backseat and in came a force that arguably became the biggest superstar that Hindi movie industry ever produced – Amitabh Bachchan.

Amitabh Bachchan era: The angry young man had the backing of two prolific script writers going by the name of Salim Khan and Javed Akhtar. They were the heroes behind the scene that created the character of Vijay – the representation of the angry youth in the country. This era saw the rise of big blockbusters that captured the fancy of the nation. It was neither escapist nor socially relevant. The movies of this era can be categorized into the larger than life portrayal of situations. There were bandits like Gabbar who wreaked havoc in Sholay, then there was the super successful and wronged hero of Deewar, Trishul and Shakti. Amitabh’s success was so huge that other stars looked a pale shadow of him. Vinod Khanna, Shatrughan Sinha, Shashi Kapoor and Rishi Kapoor did hold on to the second wrung in the stardom ladder in the 70s and early 80s. This period was however accommodating to the alternative cinema that was made on smaller budgets and gave precedence to stories rather than the scale of production. Amol Palekar and Farookh Sheikh who never fitted the bill of a typical Bollywood Movie hero did manage to create a name for themselves during this time.

Dark Age era: 80s was a lull. Amitabh became wayward and dabbled in politics and there was a vacant spot that needed to be filled. Art house cinema gained prominence but it never got the due through commercial success. Naseeruddin Shah and Om Puri became the pioneers of this kind of cinema but they didn’t taste monetary success. It was a time when not many dared to dream big. It was a ‘flat’ period or rather a downward slope A third kind of cinema that brought in a lot of talent from South India made merry during this time. The standard however was poor. Jeetendra led the charge with a number of south Indian movie remakes. The oft repeated Juhu beach was replaced with Marina beach that had elaborate sets. 251 dancers shook their booty as the macho hero whose major task by the end of the movie was to avenge the rape of his sister/wife/girl friend sang a Bappi Da tune into the ears of his sweetheart – “Tohfa Tohfa Tohfa..laaya laaya laaya”. The successful heroes of this era looked more like caricatures in their Disco dancer clothes or the embarrassing wigs they donned. There was nothing heroic about them. The only good thing about this period was the rise of Anil Kapoor (the longest serving hero in hindi movies) who was rated as a potent candidate to topple Amitabh from the throne. Amitabh helped in the act by giving movies like Toofan and Jaadugar.

Khan era: Shahrukh Khan, Salman Khan and Aamir Khan ruled the next phase of Bollywood Movies. Shahrukh became the most saleable star due to his popularity abroad. These three catered to different classes of the audience. Salman was a hero of the masses, Aamir was the perfectionist who got the thumbs up from the other section and Shahrukh captured the fancy of the NRI audience. With the dawn of globalization, Hindi movies started to see the light of the day abroad and Shahrukh Khan became one of the most recognizable faces. Each one of them stuck to enthralling their own set of audience until ambition did them in. There was competition in everything – be it in shaping up their bods to incorporate 6/8/10 abs, changing their hair styles to suit the characters they were playing or grabbing lucrative brand endorsements.

With the entry of non-Khan stars such as Akshay Kumar and Hrithik Roshan in the fray, it suddenly seems that there is a war of survival at the top. With media having a field day covering the pot-shots they take at each other, the end of the war is still awaited. I can however say it with a level of assuredness that the public mandate is pretty fractured in this regard. With so much of money in the business, there is room for all of them to exist but there can be no clear cut number 1 now.

In the 80 years of his substantial existence, Bollywood Movie hero has managed to build a mammoth clout. From the days when they were called Bhaands to the present day when they are treated like kings, from the obese looking-mustachioed Pradeep Kumar playing Shah Jahan to the perfectly sculpted Hrithik Roshan playing Akbar, the change has at times been dramatic but many a times for the good. The movie hero is revered and accorded God-like status in our land. The aura surrounding him has been left untouched.

So, the next time you see the bruised and battered and almost dead hero taking the long walk to deliver his monologue in the climax of a movie, remember that it is not about some larger than life portrayal having no bearing on reality. The walk is a ritual and an ode to the HERO who has always won.

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Billoo - The Review

With the world going ballistic over the performance of DevD, I feel a bit like an outcast speaking about the erstwhile Billoo Barber that came out as Billoo. I didn’t find too many takers for this movie either when I proposed to go for it. I now have a growing feeling that brand SRK doesn’t work the way it used to a few years back. Is it the beginning of the end for King Khan or is Billoo not qualified to be called his film? Anyways, without getting philosophical on the reasons behind the rise and the apparent fall of the uncrowned king (which unfortunately becomes the talking point with each of SRK’s release), let’s get down to discussing Billoo, the film.

Priyadarshan is an acclaimed director down south and the highest paid even in Bollywood. He makes some inane comedies that are essentially remakes or re-remakes but is still able to command respect at the box office. He gave a hit in Malamal Weekly with a non-existent star cast. This time around, he plays it safe by casting stars such as SRK, Irfan and Lara Dutta and getting guest appearances from all top notch female superstars. You name them and you have them swaying to Pritam’s foot tapping numbers in the film. Quite sadly, these expected ‘pluses’ are what make Billoo fall short of the mark. I felt that Priyadarshan’s idea of Krishna-Sudama story got mixed and mashed with commercial gimmicks and lost relevance. Amidst the hype and hoopla of item songs and SRK’s extravagant portrayal of the superstar, the theme of the story took a backseat and the effect didn’t come out as it should have.

Of all directors of repute, Priyadarshan is the only one who doesn’t know when to throw in a song in the plot. He falters this time too. If passing off south Indian village setting as a north Indian one was not enough, he decides to show the shooting of Star Wars like scenes in a small village. My question is – Why on Earth will a film crew shoot a high quality action sequence with an amazing set on an outdoor schedule in a village? Defying logic is another name for Priyadarshan’s commercial ventures so let’s just blink and give it a miss.

Despite cribbing about Priyadarshan’s sticking to the same old formula films, one cannot discount the fact that some of his films have good messages behind them. It is this fact that makes him command respect even after delivering some nonsensical stuff every now and then. Billoo too has a very nice message behind its story line that comes to the fore partially despite all other shortcomings. And the person responsible for it is not Priyadarshan but Irfan Khan. The guy is amazing in his art. He gets into the skin of the character beautifully. Just look out for him in the scene where he calls up the guest house and gets screamed at. Some people might accuse him of being repetitive but for me he is a genius. Lara Dutta looks efficient in her deglamorised part. SRK had to play himself and he ended up playing some more. Maybe there was a need to capture the aura surrounding a superstar in loud terms. This is by no stretch of imagination a SRK film. He makes a guest appearance and gives a long sermon at the end. That wasn’t his doing but someone’s got to share the blame.

Music is strictly ‘chaalu’ kind. It sounds good only while it lasts and has little recall value. Pritam is like Rajendra Kumar. He gives hits but will never be remembered for his work. The copycat tag too works against him because you never know when someone will come out telling where he picked his latest tune from. The support cast is the same as in any of Priyadarshan’s films. There is no novelty or a surprise package. Having said that, they all are good actors so they do a decent job but nothing worth mentioning.

Billoo is a film that undoubtedly has a soul even though the purpose is all lost. The oft repeated formula of Priyadarshan would prevent people from going for it. It will probably get average returns at the box office banking on the star value and a good performance by the lead protagonist Irfan Khan and also because the budget wasn't all that high. I will give it a 2.5 out of 5 and I wonder why I wrote this review.

..And would you believe it..I went to watch DevD the other day, walked upto the ticket counter and then decided against it! I don’t know why I don’t want to watch that film despite all the rave reviews.

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Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi - The Review

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi is no DDLJ. It’s not even an Om Shanti Om. But does content make any difference in a film that features SRK? Aditya Chopra is back at the helm as a director (if you don't believe in the rumors of him having ghost directed Dhoom and some other films coming from the Yashraj stable). A lot was expected out of him as this was a long hiatus after which he was returning as a director. He disappoints and not because he is bad as a director in Rab Ne. Screenplay was considered a strongpoint of Adi’s films and this is where Rab Ne flounders big time.

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi’s story idea does have a soul. It is about the extraordinary achieved by the ordinary for love but the way it is portrayed is too amateurish. By the end of it, you tend to feel that some of these Bollywood directors have started taking the audience for granted. If OSO was stupidity at its peak, Rab Ne dethrones it and sits atop that chart. Having said that I will not say that all is bad with the film. The flashes of Aditya Chopra-SRK combination’s brilliance does show up intermittently. But it is too less to satiate the hunger of a cinemagoer who waited for 8 years to see the pair recreate magic. They might say that Rab Ne has an entertainment value to look forward to. Of course Mr. Chopra, we sure like to be entertained but not get fooled!

Is it possible that you shave off your moustache and your family stops to recognize you?

Is it possible that the reticent YOU suddenly gel your hair, wear snazzy clothes and put on an overtly extrovert exterior overnight to appease your lady love?

Show us how it is possible. Come on, you didn’t even give an interview for your film and the character that draws from you on the shyness quotient and moustache, if not on anything else! At least that would have sent a signal that a transformation is indeed possible. It is unfathomable to imagine how you could even think of such a silly portrayal. Did you have a dearth of actors? Couldn’t someone else have played the role of Raj and so that we enjoyed the refreshing change of watching SRK as the commoner Surinder Sahni in your epic saga that stretched endlessly? Why the SRK fixation? The day is not far when you guys would have SRK clones doing every trivial role in the film.

Does that mean that Aditya Chopra, the man who gave us DDLJ has failed completely? The answer is NO! The film’s first and the last 25 minutes are the saving grace. And that is solely because he created the character called Surinder Sahni and got SRK to play it. Aditya Chopra is not a funny man and Rab Ne is how funny he could get is what SRK told in an interview. There are indeed some moments that will bring a smile on your face. That gives a little hope that Aditya Chopra magic is not over yet!

The music is strictly okay. No experimentation by the music director duo of Salim-Sulaiman. They seem to be the next Vishal-Shekhar in the making and I say this because their Fashion scored on the music front. The whole dance item in the climax which forms the background for the entire 3 hour affair is a dud. It looks totally off color and repetitive. But yes, the way the story unfolds before the eyes of the heroine during the climax dance sequence is good. It reminds you of the Adi Chopra magic that I talked of earlier.

SRK is top class as Surinder Sahni, the average middle class man who doesn’t wear designer clothes or mouth filmy dialogues to win the love of his life. But enter Raj - naam to suna hoga, the “seen that 100 times” over-the-top character from so many of Yash Raj Films and boredom sets in. You yawn and wonder when the 20 year old boy Raj would transform into a 43 year old man on celluloid. You really can’t stop time by replacing 30 year old heroines by a fresh crop of 20 year olds. Can you? And by the way, the new girl Anoushka is pretty good. She looks cute and sweet and acts fine too for her first film. I hope she doesn’t end up the way some other fresh faces from YRF banner did (read Tulip Joshi, Preity Jhangiani, Shamita Shetty and Kim Sharma). Vinay Pathak is top rate. There is no one else in the movie that I can remember of.

One of the most enjoyable moments of the whole movie is the end credit. Please do not leave the theatre when THE END sign flashes. It is at this time that Suri ji shares some picture postcards of his honeymoon in Japan. It is indeed these five minutes that save the day for Rab Ne team in some ways besides Surinder Sahni's character because you exit the theatre with a smile rather than tearing the hair on your head.

When the film ended the audience started to move out of the theatre not knowing what was in store in the end credits. Then all of a sudden SRK’s voice over started describing Suri Ji's honeymoon photographs. The whole theatre stood still. Such is the magic of the man. He can hold your attention even after the film has ended. He is called a Badshah for some good reason after all. Sadly, even though SRK does liven up proceedings in parts, his film does not.

My rating is 2 out of 5 for Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi.

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